(Every day this November I’ll conduct an interview with an imaginary person.)
I’m taking down the Halloween decorations today because Jill will kill me if that stuff is still up when the guests arrive. She made it very clear to me that any tombstone that’s still standing in our yard at noon would be my own. And she’ll probably kill me if I try to help with dinner because I’ll mess something up or get in her way, and she’ll probably kill me if I just hide out in the basement with the little TV and the parade. So that’s why I’m out here. Inside, there are any number of ways I can die. Outside, it’s lightning or—I don’t know, maybe a bear.
So tensions run high on Thanksgiving.
Well, Jill sets the stakes so high. It’s the one time every year that her family all descends on one place and she gets to show everyone that she’s better than her sister Claire. So it all has to be perfect—pretty good isn’t enough, because when Claire and Jonathan used to host Thanksgiving dinner, they always did a pretty good job.
And then this year, our daughter Julie is bringing her boyfriend over, which raises the stakes still further. Jill aims to show him that we’re all fun and friendly and easygoing and not a bunch of high-strung anal-retentives.
Does the—
I can’t count the times I’ve heard Jill ask Julie: are you absolutely positive that he isn’t a vegetarian?
Does everyone get along?
Julie’s dad is kind of disagreeable, but everyone else does, for the most part. Jill always has to psych herself up, so all week she’s been making snide comments about here and there about her sister and Jonathan. Maybe snide isn’t the right word, but she’ll kind of nitpick them up until when they arrive. It’s kind of like the banter that goes on when a bunch of guys take sides for a basketball game or something—except there’s no one else doing it but Jill. Once everyone shows up, she’s on her best behavior—almost painfully polite. She’s not going to say or do anything that would sabotage her perfectly-orchestrated event.
If anyone does anything to set things off, it’s Jill’s dad. He does one thing or another almost every year to try and ruin things. Usually we ignore him and all that happens is his mood just hangs in the air—but once in a while, he does strike a nerve with someone.
I already told Jill if she wants to impress Julie’s boyfriend, she should skip the turkey and make meatloaf instead. I’ve never seen anyone fight eating meatloaf.
Posted November 26, 2009, 11 am
